12:35pm

Today I notice the afternoon birdsong, but I’m in pain. The red devil visits today, a week or so delayed, can’t blame it as I have been quite a bit dehydrated in this heat.

The pain washes over my lower abdomen in waves. I imagine a beach in all the hues of red. The red sand, red sea, red sky, a red sun blazing down mercilessly as red waves of pain crash onto a red beach. The waves clawing and pulling the sand away bit by bit.

Some days I feel like I’m melting away. Little by little like a popsicle out in the sun parts of me melt away and evaporate. Other days I feel like I’m floating, up up I’ll go until I’m in space looking at a small blue dot.

I constantly feel very detached from everything. I watch all that happens around me like I’m an outsider. I don’t fit in, and I dont think I ever will. Deep down I hate that feeling. I hate that I dont belong and that I’ll never know what it feels like to truly be a part of something like everyone else.